what's love like off-grid?

Table of Contents

• interviewees on reality tv!

• higher-stakes relationships?

• springtime updates

hi hi,

i can talk about housing policy until the cows come home. but one of the biggest questions people have about alternative communities is, ‘what’s the dating life like?’

and sure, some of these groups are founded around non-monogamy and alternative relationship structures. but for a lot of people in radically sustainable communities, the biggest difference between their relationships and mainstream ones is a whole lot more manual labor.

interviewees on reality tv!

I’m currently working on a sample chapter about Veterans Off Grid, an intentional earthship community in Carson, New Mexico founded by and for veterans to support their housing and mental health needs.

I interviewed their founder, Ryan Timmermans, in the summer of 2023. (He’s also a subscriber of this newsletter - hi Ryan!). Beyond going through the interview notes, I’ve been catching up on the latest season of a reality TV show he was recently featured on called Love Off the Grid.

The show follows homesteaders and off-gridders trying to convince their city-loving romantic partners to move in with them in their more rustic accomodations.

One episode’s tagline begins, “Holistic healer Shayla wants more romance and less hard work at veteran boyfriend Ryan’s homestead in the New Mexico heat.”

From the start, though, Ryan insists that living on the property means committing to the manual labor to help grow the homestead.

part of this is because a lot of homesteaders don’t have a day-job: working on their property is their livelihood and their occupation. depending on someone’s work options, committing to life on a homestead means making it your occupation, too.

when your lifestyle is an all-hands-on-deck project, finding a life partner means finding someone who isn’t just a romantic match — they’re someone who wants to put in the work to make your shared vision a reality. 

there’s a flip side to this, too, because although divorce rates are declining, as of 2022, 43% of marriages end in divorce and 85% of dating relationships end in break-ups. 

one interviewee shared that when her partner died of cancer, she didn’t just lose her partner and the father of her child — she also lost the only person on her homestead with serious building skills.

if a partner becomes half of a life project, what happens if the relationship ends?

higher-stakes relationships?

clearly relationships in homestead-esque lifestyles take a bit more commitment - to the vision, to the labor involved, often to move to a more rural area.

if you’re looking for a traditional life partner, you’re not just looking at your romantic compatibility or their parenting skills, you’re also looking at their gardening skills and work ethic

normally i like to offer some tangible action steps in this section, but I feel far from qualified to offer any advice or takeaways here. but this can make for an interesting topic for reflection or dinner conversation:

• for you, how much does finding a romantic partner means finding someone who’s dedicated to the same way of life as you? how much do romantic relationships mean taking on life as a group-project?

• how does sharing the labor of a homestead differ from sharing household chores? is it just swapping out a vacuum for a hammer?

• would you move off-grid for a partner?

  • how does that differ from moving away from friends and family to follow a partner’s career?

  • what factors can make that kind of sacrifice sustainable & avoid future resentment?

springtime updates

I’m feeling motivated and making good progress on book stuff; still, I’ve found that things have slowed down a ton now that I’ve started a part-time job and I’m working a few days a week. Which is inevitable, I suppose. So I’m adjusting my timelines/expectations and chugging along.

 happy beginning of spring! i hope there’s lots of warmth and flowers headed your way.

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Much love,

jasper