joys and pitfalls of collective parenting

Hello loves! Happy Halloween - I hope yours is festive and, if you’re anything like me, free from too much consumer guilt.

This past week my oldest sister was visiting, so while sibling-hood is on my mind, I wanted to share some of the insights into communal parenting that my research revealed.

Table of Contents

• what's driving the collective parenting trend?

• benefits of collective parenting

• potential pitfalls

why are so many people considering some form of collective parenting?

• pressures on parents have been higher than ever for the past few generations, as the majority of American families (especially the White, college-educated demographic) now

  • have both parents working full-time

  • live far from relatives

  • occupy isolated, single-family homes in the suburbs with significant, car-based commutes required for work, school, and activities

seeking greater community support around parenting isn’t actually a new idea — its a desire to return to a level of social support that humans have had historically

potential benefits (briefly)

• less pressure on parents

• more freedom, independence, autonomy for kids

• kids have more adults they can turn to & learn from

potential pitfalls

but the rosy ideal of collective parenting — of many hands making light work and flocks of kids floating happily between houses — is rarely as smooth in reality.

i was suprised to find that many of the kids i met who were being raised in intentional communities were just as angsty as i was as a teen.

1. Less attention: since parents can feel comfortable keeping less of a close eye on their children, trusting that others will look after them as needed, some kids felt they had to struggle to get their parents’ attention.

2. Project over parenting: childrens’ wellbeing is sometimes considered secondary to the bigger lifestyle project that the parents are working on. this can show up in big and small ways, like

   1. Choosing where to live regardless of the quality of the school system

   2. Children being treated as a distraction or annoyance while parents work on projects around the home

3. Safety issues: this is the biggest potential issue, and most controversial.

   1. Some people I interviewed had tremendous success with safety and collective parenting, since they were surrounded by people they trust. However, I did hear about a few cases where children having unsupervised access to various adults’ homes resulted in criminal misconduct where children were taken advantage of. It’s not clear whether these events are actually more common in intentional communities or whether they just are more commonly reported, but it is certainly something to be cautious around.

that’s a somber note to end on, but I want to be sure to share the real, complicated data, rather than sticking to romanticized ideals. these are also issues that can be solved if addressed proactively — for example, critically considering whether your child is receiving the support and attention they need, and teaching children how to proactively protect themselves.

these insights are generalized — there are a zillion forms of collective parenting, and new models being tried out all the time — but that’s a topic for another newsletter :)

as I play around with when to send out this newsletter, I wanted to ask:

much love,

jasper